And why you shouldn’t idealize your feelings
All contacts, and especially those that happen for the first time, are extremely important for personal development. Once born, we gain experience from relationships with our parents, as we get older – we take an example from brothers and sisters, we absorb mentoring from teachers, and when we reach adolescence, we entrust the role of main influencers to friends, thanks to whom we open a shaky world of unrelated relationships.
The next stage is the first love, which awakens a stormy range for the time being dormant feelings and imperceptibly forms personal attitudes towards romantic relationships. It happens to everyone, and not necessarily at an early age. You can fall in love with neighbor Billy at the age of three, having met in the sandbox, or for the first time feel a languid response in your heart, having exchanged your fifties.
“Regardless of when your first love fell on you, you should know that it will certainly affect the relationship in the future,” says a psychologist and dating expert. – The intensity of emotions is firmly imprinted in memory – simply because you are experiencing them for the first time. This is also understandable from a biochemical point of view – the body is suddenly occupied by hormones, the influence of which was previously unknown to him. Fueled by hormones, the storm of feelings resembles puberty – physical, emotional, intellectual and even spiritual – and most often accompanies it. “
It happens that the first love develops into a lifelong feeling, although the statistics on this score are more and more sad over the years. Fortunately, a person is able to fall in love repeatedly, learning from previous relationships, so that later reality does not suffer from low or high expectations. There is no room for fatalism or apathy. “Take a decisive stance. If you really want to be happy, avoid stepping on the same rake when starting a new romance. Think and admit what kind of “weight” of first love you would not want to drag into a happy future, ”advises the expert.
What do we usually inherit from our first love and how to use this baggage so as not to spoil a new relationship?
1. Craving for passion and craving for the standard scenario
“No one is immune from the stubborn diktat of first love, which forces us to question new relationships, comparing them to a romantic reference from the past,” writes a professor of social psychology.
Falling in love for the first time, you probably felt your heart flutter in your chest, and butterflies go crazy in your stomach. And, it would seem, it is quite logical that you expect the same when you meet a new love. But no, in front of you is an educated person with serious intentions, ready to take you to Europe every month, and to the supermarket every week, and completely incapable of reading poetry under the moon. Where are the thousandfold “I love you” in Whatsapp, where are the bouquets of sweets? Crazy outdoor sex? And what about night turns in restaurants and clubs? Quarrels with smashing dishes and reconciliation with kissing? It’s boring!
This approach is understandable from the perspective of youthful maximalism, but absurd in mature relationships. You may not have realized this yet, but your needs have changed as you grew up.
This is just an illusion with a projection into the past that a storm of passions is more important than care and stability.
Obsessing over the need for emotional turmoil and at the same time sincerely expecting reliability and loyalty from your partner, you will inevitably become disappointed in the hero of a new novel.
Of course, you can continue your search, focusing on the inner butterflies and the quality of the proposed adoration, but, believe me, this approach does not lead to family happiness. It is much more constructive to admit that the old tactics have lost their relevance, and try to weather the intoxication of first love before it ruins your current relationship.
2. Understanding what you want and what to stay away from
Imagine that you went on a long-awaited journey and returned with a lot of impressions or disappointments. When someone asks you how it was, you know what to tell, right? So it is with the first love – after experiencing this “super tour”, you will know exactly what you have gained, what you have lost and what you want, moving on. So tell yourself about it.
“To make first love a positive lesson in future relationships, sit down and make a list of the traits your new boyfriend might have,” the professor recommends. – List all the positive aspects of the experience so you know what makes you happy. Be honest, do not get carried away by the euphoria of the past and do not idealize what you have experienced – after all, there was something that caused you to disperse. “
A single principle works in identifying both positive and negative aspects.
c – those with whom I would not want to deal with in the future (for example, if the ex was a terrible spender or he had a quarrelsome character).
And while the wounds are still fresh, it is very useful to clearly spell out the features that are unpleasant to you so that you can pay attention to them when considering candidates for the next novel.
They say the first love does not die, and this is not true. However, her ghost is always ready to haunt you in new relationships, and happiness, as you know, is in your hands. Listen not only to your heart, but also to your head – take care to get rid of the obsessive love hangover.