Pros and cons of starting over
The most unpleasant thing in a relationship is, of course, parting. It is difficult to imagine a person who managed to avoid such a test. The breakup is painful, because both the heart and the mind refuse to believe that everything that connected you suddenly ceased to make sense, as if your great love did not exist at all.
The grief from parting is stronger, the more you convince yourself: it’s all over, and this is forever. You need to go through this drama, an unjustified betrayal of your love, and live on, despite a thorn in your heart. Someone seeks support from friends, someone, on the contrary, strives for hermetism, but time and a method based on the ancient proverb “knock out a wedge with a wedge” cope most successfully with healing after a break. Starting a new relationship relieves the suffering of old ones.
Perhaps it would be easier to postpone the end of the relationship if the belief flickered deep in our souls: nothing, everything will be fine, someday we will try again. The idea of taking comfort from a painful breakup in the arms of a longtime ex also seems very natural. It’s like going home after a romantic odyssey, convincing yourself that you too have once made the right choice.
A new round in the relationship between Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck is a vivid example of returning to his / her ex in order to forget about the failure of a recent relationship. J.Lo parted ways with baseball player Alex Rodriguez last spring, and Ben has been wandering from girlfriend to girlfriend for several years after his divorce from Jennifer Garner.
“The reunion of the Bennifer tandem 15 years after the breakup of their engagement confirms the fact: the temptation to return to the embrace of former love is exacerbated by the ruins of a recent relationship. – comments a psychologist. – The hope for the revival of the former connection seems comforting, because people tend to feel discomfort from the destruction of something, especially if it took years to create and strengthen your union. You have gone through many wonderful and sad moments together that will always bind you, regardless of whether you are together or not. The feeling of longing for lost happiness can exacerbate subsequent, not very successful relationships. “
According to statistics, reuniting with the ex is not a rare and by no means new trend: about 50% of separated couples do not mind being together again, according to a study published in the Journal of Social and Public Relationships. Months and even years after the separation (it doesn’t matter if you spent them alone or with someone else), no one is safe from the thoughts “I wonder if he thinks about me …”, “I can just write to find out how he … “,” Maybe he has matured, and now we could succeed … “or” What if we have a chance to start over … “. It is difficult to predict the development of events, but this happens all the time, ask your girlfriends. The only question is – is it good or bad? And why does this even come to mind?
Why is there a desire to be together again
“Let’s be honest, the idea of starting over is born of indecision. Most likely, you were initially not sure about your separation, – explains another expert. – Maybe the gap did not happen on your initiative, and you are still tormented by a feeling of understatement. Or the end of the relationship was accelerated by circumstances that deprive you of the opportunity to be together – for example, you are rather sick of love at a distance. “
In any case, your pull back is quite understandable from a psychological point of view. It is always pleasant to return to where you felt good and immerse yourself in familiar hugs, touches, smells, sounds. At the same time, you are intrigued by what could have changed in a dear person during your separation – in fact, you do not expect the renewal of old relationships, but the beginning of new ones, from a clean slate, even with someone whom you knew perfectly well in the past.
Is reuniting with your ex a good idea at all?
Remember once and for all: in no case return to your ex if without him you feel emptiness or some kind of inferiority, as well as the lack of someone you need to take care of. The common metaphor “you complement me” is destructive in real-life relationships. A happy and harmonious union is usually obtained from two whole and self-satisfied individuals. It sounds corny, but it’s true.
Secondly, if your ex (husband, boyfriend, quivering lover or intriguer with perversions) does not think to change the behavior that contributed to your breakup, do not flatter yourself about him – you will find a familiar ending. Sometimes the union of the most wholesome individuals succumbs to the oppression of toxic and even offensive dynamics, and in this case, ending the relationship will be the only right decision.
In the end, it’s up to you to decide how obvious the benefits of getting closer to the hero of the old novel are. And thirdly, do not comfort
yourself with the illusions that you are about to plunge into the stormy waves of former passions. There will be no repetition – time has passed and you both have changed. Ben, by the way, became wiser and more solid, and J.Lo – cooler than ever.
Things to think about before resuming a relationship
If you still really want to return with your ex, here’s what the experts advise before deciding on this bold step:
1. Be very honest and clear about why you want to. Are you curious? Do you want to close the gestalt? Try again? Find comfort? Revenge? Do not forget that renewing a connection due to illusory plans to change your partner does not bode well for the future.
2. Share your feelings and concerns with your ex. If you are hesitant to discuss such topics, go back to point number one and still admit why you want to be together again. For harmonious relationships, the skill of mutual openness, the ability to share experiences, convey fears and worries to a partner is very important. Practice ahead of time to see how far you have progressed on this issue.
3. Another topic for dialogue: Discuss where you think you have changed and how this will affect your connection. Do not waste time and emotions on jealous questions – what you have learned in other relationships has enriched you with experience and will only benefit your couple. This conversation will help you reconcile expectations and values that are important to both of you. By betting on sincerity and understanding, you really get a chance to start your story all over again.