A few rational strategies that will save you from loneliness
If you are tired of hearing that “the sea is full of fish,” but personal experience brings only disappointment, it’s time to change tactics. Tips from psychologists will provide a successful catch by arming you with the rule of five “not”.
1. DON’T LOOK FOR THE “SINGLE”
The sooner you throw out of your mind the idea that somewhere there your soulmate is wandering around the Earth, the faster you will meet someone real with a suitable set of qualities that you can soberly assess.
“Don’t believe in fairy tales that karma, god or fate will send you a soulmate,” advises a psychotherapist. – The beginning of any relationship boils down to one thing: a conscious choice to be with a particular person, learning his traits, habits, crack Turn off the romantic perception of reality mode for a while.
Realists use the same method as the staff of the personnel department at the interview – a thoughtful conversation that will help to assess compatibility and obvious problems.
You’re studying the chances of success, for which you’re negotiating.”
If the idea of the other half does not leave you alone, reconfigure the belief system: tell yourself that there are several souls related to you in the world with which complete reciprocity and harmony are possible if you are at least a little tense about it.
“Try to think of first dates as a useful exercise that helps you understand what you want in a relationship and realize how wonderful you are,” the expert continues. – Focus on the personal qualities, values and needs you have, not on what you think would suit this subject. Already at the stages of acquaintance, there will be a much more promising relationship if you focus on what you want, not him.”
2. DON’T MAKE HIGH BETS
Deepening into active search in dating applications, it is easy to feel that you are sick from the flickering of strangers. You look at the photo, read a brief diagnosis that he came up with, and decide whether the character is cute enough to swipe to the right. Then, if your interests coincide, send a message, wait for a response and probably arrange a date that can both please and disappoint.
Sooner or later, you feel tired of finger swings and wonder why it is needed at all and why you spend time on meaningless bullshit. The advice is the same: change your mindset.
Do not hover in the clouds, figuring out whether this person will become the love of your life – focus on just getting to know him. “Plan your acquaintance without getting attached to the result,” explains a psychologist. “Behave naturally, be yourself and believe that only in this way will you get a clear picture of your common capabilities, even if you never see each other again.”
3. DON’T DRINK ON A FIRST DATE
Alcohol can distort consciousness and exaggerate potential interconnection. As one popular actress said: “If I have two glasses of champagne in me, I can feel chemistry with anyone.”
“If you know a similar feeling, but you do not lose hope of a serious relationship, declare a dry law on dates,” the expert recommends. “Alcohol relieves nervous tension, but in addition muffles the ability to think rationally and therefore underestimates standards.”
Advice for those who are embarrassed without a glass in hand: order a light bitter cocktail with soda and allow yourself, confident and witty, to take a date under control and find out if this person is really worthy of your time.
4. DON’T COME UP WITH SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T EXIST
He would be perfect… if he could listen and didn’t call his mom every day. You could make a wonderful couple… if he loved to travel and at the same time made decent money. Say a firm “no” to this way of thinking. If you seriously plan to change it for the sake of love for you, think again about the reality of what is happening.
“Love is strong, but it does not turn cinderella into purity or swineherds into princes,” insists a dating coach. “When meeting a person, you can believe that he will develop, grow and acquire new habits, but mostly he, with almost one hundred percent probability, will remain unchanged.”
5. DON’T PULL IF YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED
We used to believe that politeness is above all else, but sometimes it is obvious from the very beginning that nothing will work out. If you realized it during your first date, you shouldn’t prog on the dialogue. Say goodbye politely and leave the meeting place in half an hour or so.
“The clear and honest end of unpromising relationships, no matter how short they may be, is justified from all sides, as it allows both to move calmly in the desired direction. Nobody wants it to be dynamized or kept for the future,” says an expert.
The end of the date does not have to be long or painful – be tactful, but do not get confused in lengthy explanations. It’s as easy as sending a short message: “It was nice to meet you, but I don’t think we’re right for each other. Good luck!”