Harmful attitudes and right tactics to get rid of the single status
Of course, to solve such an ambiguous problem, our advice alone is not enough, but maybe they will help you quickly understand in which direction to move. So, let’s figure out why you can’t change the status “in active search” for so long.
When explaining someone else’s loneliness, the easiest way is to blame external reasons: he/she will not find a life partner in any way, because he/she has recently moved to another city/country, rarely goes to parties, is constantly traveling/nervous, damn tired from people, but has not met a soul mate or lives in a mountain village connected to densely populated cities by an irregular bus service.
Under the yoke of circumstances, you can fall into any extreme, but when the problem persists for years, the reason is clearly not in them. Without a very extreme (protracted business trip to the orbital station), catastrophic (around the war) or villainous (think up yourself) intervention, loneliness is explained not situationally, but psychologically. You need to look for the problem inside, not outside.
Having delved into the mind, psychologists can easily determine the true cause of one of the opposite states, which interferes with the acquisition of personal happiness and has nothing to do with external circumstances:
- excessive self-loathing;
- too much self love.
LONELY FROM SELF-LOVE
Self-dislike is a non-constructive skill, which is clearly manifested in attempts to start a relationship. Getting closer to someone, you automatically begin to look for reasons why he was suddenly drawn to such an unworthy object as you, guessing manifestations of weakness in this craving and intensely calculating what is wrong here. Why is he, seemingly normal, so stupid, desperate or weak to get carried away by you?
When you (totally unfairly!) believe that you are unattractive, the other person’s attention seems fake or strange. With dislike for oneself, love from the outside is perceived as an undeserved gift with suspicious overtones, which is more correct to refuse.
Under the pressure of self-criticism, you assure yourself that the only reason he chose you is because he naively missed all the disturbing and gloomy aspects of your character. He will eventually discover the error, and so it’s wiser to run away before you’re exposed and abandoned. You remain alone because, despite the desire for love, you, in fact, do not believe that you can be noticed and loved.
It is also possible, under the influx of gifts, messages and kisses, to feel that a fan needs you – and experience disappointment. His attraction is annoying because you do not see yourself as a worthy target for someone else’s desires and subconsciously reject the emerging addiction. According to your deep conviction, you are not the person you should depend on.
Tactic #1: Accept and Believe
Yet none of the distressing speculation has anything to do with reality. The person who has taken a liking to you is almost certainly not naive. He sees you for who you are, including the not-too-admirable sides, and not only doesn’t see them as terrible, but quite the opposite.
All people are not perfect, and this is not an obstacle to relationships. We can all be not too good, smart, correct – not the way we seem to be – which is absolutely normal. Nevertheless, every person, in his most fierce imperfection, is worthy of care and love – in all manifestations.
LONELY FROM EXCESS OF LOVE FOR SELF
At the other end of the spectrum is excessive self-love. Being in self-adoration, you will be naturally surprised to find that some daredevil decided not only to admire from afar, but also to show feelings – an act worthy of indulgence and, perhaps, a couple of dates. Mom and Dad said that you are a star, and this is an absolute fact, but so be it, you will give this klutz exclusive attention, although he definitely does not pull on 100 points.
Or, perhaps, because of prolonged longing alone with himself, his confidence in his own worth blew a little. Longing for admiring eyes in which you could be reflected, you gave up, forgetting (for a while) about criticism, whims and bias. But this is not for long, so, out of boredom. For a serious relationship, you need someone from the big leagues.
Tactic #2: Turn on your imagination
You approach relationships with a trained mindset, completely abolishing fantasy when looking at a potential partner. So that time in loneliness is not counted in years, it’s time to uncover the imagination – the ability to look at another person with positive anticipation.
ear, understanding and curiosity.
What comes to mind when fantasy is not involved:
- Of course, he is smart and even handsome. Although the nose is just huge. No.
- He is an engineer, which means he is unlikely to understand art. Nothing will come of it.
- He looks like he’s rich, which isn’t bad, but all the rich are creepy snobs. No.
- Yeah, the hair is thinning, and bald is not for me. Thanks, no.
- Ha ha ha, what an impossible accent. No.
What can be seen if you turn on the imagination:
- He is clearly pumped, downright a bodybuilder, but witty, which is rare among handsome men.
- The profession is not impressive, but he has so many interests! Will be with someone to walk through the galleries and flea markets.
- Hmm, yes, the nose is big, but the eyes are very kind and surprisingly sensual lips.
- Looks too formal and a little boring. I wonder what abysses will open in him if it comes to sex?
Imagination training means encouraging sensitivity to non-obvious things. Looking into the face of an interlocutor, colleague or passerby, guesses / inventing what can be attractive in a person who, out of habit, is so easy to criticize. The practice of imagination is not a compromise, but the key to a relationship. The ability to think creatively is a vital skill in the long term relationship that helps you avoid tripping over the obstacles and challenges that come with true love.
There will always be circumstances that prevent you from getting out of loneliness. But if you soften the aggressive selfishness and the destructive power of self-discontent, the absence of parties in the schedule or registration in a mountain village will not prevent you from finding a life partner. Tactic #3: Allow yourself to be loved.