“She Is Not Herself”: What Prevents Happiness In Love

Why is it so difficult to find the other half and what is the secret of a happy relationship?

There is no mystery or mysticism in the formula of true love. As the classic wrote, “all happy families are alike.” If you are comfortable being yourself alone with your loved one, you are in the happiest relationship with a favorable prognosis for the future.

However, not everyone is able to reveal themselves to a partner – many are hindered by upbringing, acquired complexes, fear of loneliness. Together with psychoanalysts we analyze popular but harmful thoughts that hinder successful unions.


The formula “be patient – fall in love” does not work today, including if it is “love” for a lot of money. Sooner or later, you will be flooded with regrets from the series “oh, if only” and you will begin to feel nostalgic about the lost opportunities and look to the left with interest.

This, by the way, concerns not only love, but also friendship. If initially the relationship encourages you not to get to know each other, but to adapt, the chances for a successful development are very modest. By giving up personal interests and persuading yourself to be patient in order not to return to loneliness, you risk directing your story to a sad ending.

“The gold standard of relationships, romantic and platonic, is that you feel alone with a partner so confident that you show all sides of your true self,” explains the expert. – It is openness that defines a close and healthy relationship, which at the same time admits that you do not like some things in his / her character and habits, or sometimes you simply annoy each other. Such nuances are absolutely normal and only confirm that happiness looks different for different people because everyone has their own ideas about trust and comfort.”

Of course, you can fall into a very special relationship that does not meet any standard. There are exceptions to any rule. It happens that love stories develop unpredictably, for example, as in Fifty Shades of Gray or the comedy with Keanu Reeves How to Marry a Bachelor. Just remember that it’s usually futile and damaging to your self-esteem to force a romance in which you pretend to be happy just because you’re afraid to let go.


It actually sounds weird. That is, you admit that the person does not suit you, but you choose him. Almost like “I want this dress, it’s cool, although it’s small, but I can lose weight.” What’s the point of buying if it doesn’t fit right now? But what if, when you lose weight, you meet a cooler dress? What if you don’t lose weight? Before you decided to pay for this dress, you may not have had such an idea …

“Honest self includes all faults,” the expert insists. When entering into a relationship for which you hope to change, you must recognize the vulnerability of such a partnership. Do you think you’d enjoy being with or with someone who isn’t good enough? For years? Many of the sufferings of those who turn to me for help are connected with the denial of each other’s shortcomings. Both unbalanced parties in such a partnership – who are never wrong or always wrong – make emotional friction the centerpiece of the relationship instead of succumbing to reality and accepting each other as they are.

Reaching the point where you are willing to accept all the pros and cons is often a matter of time. The impressive percentage of reunions of former partners confirms that those who have overcome the maximalist stage, where it is important to present themselves or a partner in an ideal light, are ready to create strong couples.


There is a positive side to this approach – for those who believe in self-development and conduct a sincere dialogue with a partner. Change for love is possible only in tandem. “The idea is not too unrealistic, although it requires fabulous patience,”says the expert. “And, like any joint project, it often helps to find the keys to trust.”

Basic advice: wait until you move in together or get married until you both feel confident that you are ready to be together. This implies that you have a good look at each other and instead of wasting energy on conquering the mythical frontiers, you cancel the struggle for the right to be yourself or go your separate ways.